ATTENTION ALL MEN!

BRACE YOURSELVES!!

There are some of you who are true gentlemen in the game rooms.  If you are, please take no offense at the depictions below.  They are intended to make fun of the creeps out there and those with terrible sportsmanship and manners.

I (and all the other ladies out there) we truly do applaud the men who remember how to be nice.

Keep up the good work!

 

 

The following set of unofficial rules is intended for your enjoyment.  Although they do contain many truthful statements, please remember that this is just for fun.  Do not take offense at the following writings, but do remember that some of these “rules” do actually apply, especially regarding sportsmanship and manners.  After the fun stuff are the true rules as written by Yahoo! Games and as understood (and translated) by the writer, who plays the game on a regular basis as “newdawn85901.”  Should you have any questions about, or suggestions for, this site, please email the writer at newdawn85901@yahoo.com.

 

There are many working links in this document.  To use them, hold your pointer over the link, simply click the link to go there.  The working links are surrounded by a green border like this:  SAMPLE

 

If you would like to play a game of pool with the author, feel free look around the Yahoo! Pool Beginners Lounge.  You will usually find me one of the rooms there.  If not, just email me and we we may be able to get together that way.

 

 

 

The Rules of Pool

(As Modified for the users of Yahoo! Online Pool)

 

Rule #1: About the Game

(This is a BIG one!)

 

(a)       The game of pool (as played online at Yahoo!) is designed for the enjoyment of all participants.  It is absolutely essential that all who wish to play Yahoo! Games Online Pool remember this.  You must consider your opponent as well as yourself while playing.  Keeping in mind that there are those with psychological impediments which can be overcome only by years of shock treatments and intensive counseling, it is hoped that the reader will be better equipped to be more understanding of those poor souls with lesser mental capabilities and in definite need of professional help.

 

(b)       There are no real prizes or cash awards given to anyone who plays Yahoo! Games Pool.  Instead, a rating system is used.  Play those close in rank to your own and you will gain (or lose) few points.  Play those with a higher ranking than you and you stand to gain up to 30 points, while you risk losing considerably less than you could win.  Being very similar in nature to the odds system used in many betting establishments, this gives some people the real feel of gambling on themselves.  Unfortunately, there is the anger, frustration and frequent outbursts from the losers (who should probably contact Gamblers Anonymous!).  Remember when playing someone like this to remain calm.  Assure them that this is only a test and their life will return to normal within 5 working days.  If not, then they may voice their complaint to the “I lost my points on Yahoo! pool and I’m gonna cry” department located at: www.yahoo.com/complaints/pitymeplease

 

c.)        The Yahoo! Games areas are a great place to play, make friends from all over the world and improve yourself socially.  Contrary to popular belief, this does not mean that Yahoo! Games is a great place to have sex.  This usually takes two people located in the same general vicinity and both people willing to take part in the act.  There are, however, many individuals (usually of the male gender) who need some help with their sexual “self-gratification”.  Lacking the ability to complete without help what most males have been doing for centuries (with no assistance whatsoever), they need someone to “give them a hand” (pardon the expression!).  Although the author herself would prefer to explain to the afflicted persons in question that what they are doing is sick, wrong and perverted to the point of being practically pedophiles, she will leave out her true thoughts regarding this disease from this book.  Instead, she encourages those who are begged by these people for sexual assistance to give them the address for a great counseling service.  The main ones she recommends for free help are www.improveyoursex.com and www.feelgoodcounseling.com.

 

d.)       Although one might consider themselves a beginner and not worthy of playing in leagues, I highly recommend joining one.  It will afford you the opportunity to grow in skill, as many of the more experienced players love to give pointers.  There are those inconsiderate wimps who are after only the fame afforded those who can beat others by any means.  I suggest you stay away form these idiots.

 

The fame achieved is only cyber-fame, and not worth a plug nickel.

 

 

To find a pool league to join, just go to Case’s Ladder.  There you will find a variety of leagues to join, and they are all free (as in gratis, libre, and a dozen other great words that mean it don’t cost NOTHIN’!).

 

I personally belong to league called Rising Stars.  Although I am unable to play as much as I would like, it is fun when I do.  Their website is found at www.myleague.com/rising_stars.  Once you join a league, you can find yourself in the greatest group of friends you can have in the cyber-world.

 

Rule 2:  Boosting your Ability

 

Coffee (note 1):  Never shoot pool until after your third cup of coffee.  The caffeine will cause the synapses of the brain to become better able to conduct the nerve impulses to their proper destination.  This ends up giving you a better response time to your leaves, greater precision on your combination shots and less time between shots as well (For those of you who do not imbibe of caffeinated drinks, see rule 6(a): Chronically Impaired individuals.

 

Coffee (note 2):  Never shoot pool after drinking more than 3 cups of coffee.  This can be seriously detrimental to your abilities because the caffeine may affect the central nervous system by causing you to be irritable, spastic and very inattentive. The first symptom of having had too much coffee is the sudden impulse to urinate on your opponents head just because you missed a straight in shot.  RESIST THIS URGE!  Your opponent may be in Malaysia, and the only thing close enough to take out your frustrations on may be your computer.  Although you may need electrotherapy, it is eminently more successful (and less hazardous!) when administered under the strict supervision of a psychiatrist.

 

 

 

 

Rule 3:  The Attitude

 

Getting in the mood:   Ability is almost always affected by your attitude.  Although this game can be very competitive, it is, after all just a game.  Remembering this will increase your pleasure and reduce your stress while playing.

 

Before you start, it is wise to get into a calm and serene frame of mind.  Turn off the TV, lower the lights, and forget about the kids, the spouse and the boss and, if you can, the pets.  In a couple of minutes you will be far, far away in the cyber land of Yahoo!  Pool.

 

Rule 4:  The Equipment

 

The Cue Stick:  The best cue stick to use is one crafted by a woman.  The estrogen is absorbed by the wood and gives the user some of the mellow nature which makes women typically better at finesse (see rule #5).

 

The Table:  The table should have a minimum of 5 pockets, a maximum of 7, with the preferred number being 6.  Should there be a variation from this rule, please report this as a “bug” to Yahoo!, Inc.

 

The Balls:  There should be a set of 15 colored balls and one white ball.  Sometimes, you can almost swear there are more when playing someone with a lot of testosterone, but there will only be the 16 mentioned above that can be played with by both players.

 

The Coffee Cup:  The coffee cup is often overlooked as to its importance in the game of pool.  To prevent frequent breaks to get refills, the cup should be at least 16 ounces in size.  For the sake of drinking satisfaction, it should be a thermal type cup, insulated to hold in the heat.  For safety, the cup should have a lid of the “spill-proof” variety or a straw long enough to reach your lips from the computer.  Last, but not least, one should eat at least a snack before drinking your coffee.  The food will absorb some of the liquid which will help you to refrain from “potty” breaks, which slow down the game immensely.